In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
