Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
