They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
