I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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