Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
