im drinking this country out of the recession.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
