Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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