dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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