he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
