so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
