can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
