1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
