I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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