***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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