not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
