My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
