i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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