sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
