she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
