he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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