i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
