She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
