I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
