I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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