1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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