How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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