I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
