I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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