Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
