I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
