u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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