I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
