im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
