Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She bit a glass in half.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
