True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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