i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize