when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
