I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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