he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
