Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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