News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
