Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
honey bunches of taint.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
