Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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