you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
