I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
