just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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