Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize