Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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