I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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