Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just high enough for therapy.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
