people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
