News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
