Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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