We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
