Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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