I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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