dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
