So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
