If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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