Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
