Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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