my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
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